This morning my mom woke me up angry about the way my grades look on edline. And she was yelling and screaming and making a scene about me “plummeting my gpa before I graduate” and shit and it kinda got to me and that’s why I need to actually get out all the shit that’s been in my head these past couple weeks.
I’ll start by saying that I do give a fuck about my grades…it’s just a small fraction of the fuck that I used to give. And my shit isn’t terrible, it’s just not what I or she is used to. The thing that frustrates me is the fact that nobody ever seems to understand where seniors are coming from at this point in the year. I’ve been busting my ass for the past 6 years to achieve what I’ve achieved and excuse me if I feel more entitled than I actually am, but I think that I deserve a break before I go in to bust my ass for 6 years of college. I have a 4.2 gpa, a 30 on the ACT, damn near a full ride scholarship to college, I’ve had a job most of the year and I have a job lined up for summer. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve done my part and I’ve done it damned well. Freshman year, sophomore year, junior year, even seventh and eighth grade year at WY, were important years—I had to whip work then entire way through, no slipping. Sorry, but the last three weeks of senior year are NOT important, so why can’t I chill now to make up for the complete LACK of chill I’ve been able to do for the past 6 years? Like…what? I don’t understand why no one gets this.
I love my mom to death and I wanna make her proud and she obviously isn’t proud of the way my shit looks now, even though regardless of how edline looks I always pull through when it’s report card time. So I’ma put some effort -_- into these last couple weeks -__- so that she’ll be happy with the way I leave high school. I’m just frustrated that she feels so strongly about some shit that legit doesn’t matter. I’m not failing anything…I’m not even close. The fact that she’s in my room yelling about Bs at 7 in the morning blows my mind…but whatever.
Rielle is never enough.
Realizing that my problem may be that I underestimate myself too often. The things that I’ve been through have left me feeling as though I’ll always be the one who cares a little more, who worries a little more, who hurts a little more. As though it’ll never be as hard to walk away from me as it is for me to walk away from them…as though no one could possibly be scared to lose me. I can’t seem to grasp the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone loves me to the same extent that I love them. That maybe I’m just not as good at masking my emotions and holding grudges and that’s what makes me feel as if I have broken off the short end of the stick. I don’t know. It’s more than me simply telling myself otherwise. I overthink and I end up right where I started…I just can’t seem to convince myself.
Sometimes people get caught up in trying to be a part of everything and trying to be cool and trying to be known that they lose sight of who they really are. Or maybe over time they actually do reconstruct themselves into completely new people, sponging up this quality and that trait from everyone else until you don’t really know who they are anymore. But they warned us that that’s what high school does, right? Yeah, people change.
My favorite teacher asked us to write an essay explaining what we believe in, the philosophies that we live by in our lives. I thought I’d share.
For the past couple days, I’ve sat and struggled to organize my thoughts. “What do you believe in?” This question excited me and intimidated me, looming over me like a dark and daunting shadow, demanding the deeper and more intimate scope of my mind. Now, even as I write this essay, I’m still not very sure what will become of it. Bear with me.
One thing that I’m sure of is that I believe in the realness of love. The world is a big and sometimes unforgiving place, but over time I’ve become sure that everyone needs someone, and there’s someone for everyone. I believe that it’s possible to love someone with our entire being, and I believe that when we’ve found the one who belongs on the other end, we’ll know. I believe that the mind follows the heart when it wanders, and if we’re unsure about what we really want, we should follow it, too. I also believe that despite this, sometimes we have to listen to our minds to figure out what we need. I believe that love is a drug and heartbreak is withdrawal—that’s why we actually feel it when our hearts break. I don’t believe that people quite understand this, and maybe it’s the lack of experience—which is totally understandable. I believe that when we are truly in love with someone, they begin to seep into our veins and mix into us until we transform from two beings into one—they penetrate you, become a part of you, and you’re never really the same again—and everything you know and everything you want and everything you’ve ever needed is them. Love is a high that you never want to come down from—you’re scared of the fall, but you climb higher and higher anyway, because that’s what drugs make you do. When you’re in, there’s no turning back. And when you do fall, you land hard, and it’s the worst pain you can imagine; a pain you can feel in your bones and your heart and you’d swear you can feel it in the pit of your soul. When we have a drug as lethal as love in our system, it’s that serious. That’s what I believe.
I believe that the energy we put into the universe is the energy it’ll put into us. I believe that karma is very real, and she’s very much a bitch. And it’s weird, because good things happen to bad people and I’m still trying to figure out why that is—what I’ve come up with so far is that sometimes, we just have to wait our turn. I believe in good vibes and bad vibes and I believe in intuition, and I know that mine is killer. I know that when you feel something, you should pay attention to it, because sometimes the things our heart tells us really are what’s best for us. It’s complicated, I know. C’est la vie.
I believe in growth and the importance of continuous evolution. I believe that the day we reach a standstill, the day we become stagnant in our quests to constantly evolve and grow and learn and explore, is the day that our souls begin to weather and the light in our spirit begins to dim until eventually, there is not much of it left. I believe that that’s why some people are old at thirty and young at ninety, and it’s sad because we are all so scared to die yet so scared to live.
I believe in the power of words and the beauty of imagination. The world would be a very dull place without books to read and things to create. I believe that there are few things more exhilarating than being transported into very distant but closer than I realize worlds and parallel universes, caught up in the magic of words and language and prose. I believe in the connection between characters and their readers, and I believe that some connections can very much last a lifetime. I believe that when we close our eyes and imagine, we breathe oxygen into our hungry souls and exhale life, pure, abstract life, into the black and white world around us. And, in a place where structure and pace seem to dominate our lives, I believe that that is very important.
I guess I believe in a lot of things. I believe in much more than I’ve squeezed into this essay, but I think that I’ve covered all the major pillars. It was scary writing this, because one last thing that I believe is that what we think we know and what we believe in changes all the time, sometimes too quickly for us to grasp. Concepts and ideas and theories are always circling in our minds, slowly slipping through the cracks and morphing into different concepts and theories and ideas without us even realizing it, and one day we wake up and find that our set of beliefs is not the set of beliefs that we had a year ago. Because we’re constantly evolving, I guess. And that’s a good thing. So yeah, that’s what I believe in. What do you?
the life that I live—its ups and downs and mishaps and spectacles and the small joys and large accomplishments…it’s all me. I’m thankful for the experiences that have shaped me into who I am today, the small things that make my life big, and the people who fill the spaces in ways that only they could. My parents, whom I owe everything to—I love them with every particle of my being and would cross worlds for them. I’m thankful for you. My boyfriend, the guy with whom I share my dreams, fears, thoughts, secrets, ideas, and everything in between; the guy that (thinks) he loves me more (but is sadly mistaken…) and always seems to know just the right things to say or do to make my heart sing a joyful tune. I’m thankful for you. The friends who bring out the best in me and the people who inspire and motivate me, whether they realize it or not…I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful for the job that I have that others may not and the will to succeed that drives me everyday. I’m thankful for books and photos and beautiful art. For tea and for fruit. For the leaves in the fall and the stars in the sky. For my ability to learn and my ability to create.
And so, so much more.
I’m proud of myself, and the fact that I’m proud of myself makes me feel good because it’s not often that I am. I got straight As on my report card, only the second time I’ve pulled that off in my five years so far at WY. I hope to keep it that way—my dad put it in a perspective that I hadn’t thought of before; he said: “these are gonna be the last report cards you ever get, make them good ones…” and it kinda made me emotional but that’s another story for another day.
Anyways, I’m proud because I go to the second best school in the state, am doing well, am finishing up my college apps, have a job, and still have time to fit in a social life. It just feels good knowing that I’m on the right track, ya know?
I can’t help that I want to know everything about you. The most infinitesimal details of your past fill the extravagant voids in my being; your present is mine to share, your future is mine to anticipate. I want to know the complexities of your thoughts, I want to feel the passion coursing through your veins. I want to trace the intricacies of your skin with my fingertips; I want to know your scars and the stories they tell. I’ll settle on your chest and I’ll know the steady rhythm of your heartbeat and the gentle hum of your breath and after a while, our heartbeats will become one heartbeat and our breaths will become one breath. I want to know you so deeply that our souls intertwine, and our beings align, and all at once we understand the grandeur of the words we utter.
I want to know you so deeply that we become one.
I forgot to mention that yesterday, a freshman girl that I gave a tour of the school last year stopped me in the hallway and told me that I was like a role model for her. It warmed me to the core and made my entire day.
Ugh, my mind is on overload tonight. I’m sensitive as fuck and I’m a worrywart and it really fucks me up sometimes, ya know?
I have finally returned from France, where I’ve been for the past 2 & a half weeks. In the time I was there, I visited Paris, Nantes (where my grandma grew up), La Bernerie (a small, quaint little town right on the ocean) and my family in Normandy…all in all, I had an amazing time. It was super interesting being amid the French culture, watching the interaction, eating outside at cute little sidewalk cafes, trying new foods, and spending time with my family…we made the most moves in those 17 days haha. But anyways, yeah, I’m back. Lulz.
More and more I’ve realized that I don’t trip over things that most people would probably trip over. I’ve noticed that I’m pretty chill when it comes to the way I handle certain situations, and I think that I can credit that to the positive lifestyle that I’ve made it a goal to lead. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve completely adopted the ideal that life goes on, shit happens, everything plays out the way it’s meant to, all that good stuff. Because of that, I am really able to control my happiness most of the time…not to say that I don’t get annoyed or frustrated or sad, those are human emotions and it’s natural to have them, but I’ve become very good at choosing my battles wisely and deciding if it’s worth the negative energy. When you think about it, a lot of the issues that we devote so much of our energy to really aren’t shit in the grand scheme of things, and it is surely not the end of the world. Good vibes, positive energy; I really don’t have the time to deal with anything but. And I surely know that I didn’t have this mindset a year ago, which makes me very happy because that means that I’ve grown, and growth is the most wonderful thing. :}
I’m frustrated. With myself, with everything. I feel as though it’s inevitable that I mess up somehow…I mean I’m not perfect, but I tend to make that terribly evident. All the time. Ugh. I guess it just sucks when you feel a certain way or are willing to make certain promises but it’s all in vain. And the past plays a large role in everything on both sides, but I mean like, it’s the past, ya know? It’s the past. You can’t always let the past interfere with the present, there’s nothing you can do about the past because it’s the past, all you can do is work on the present and the future…I just wish that was mutually understood. But I guess I just have to try harder. And I’m willing to try harder, because this is something that I care about, that I refuse to mess up. I wish that was understood too.
But yeah. I’m just venting. I feel like shit. Blah. Eh, on a higher note, I have a job now…thank God.